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American History, Part IX: Little Known Facts About the Invasion of Grenada

It's me again! Yes, the man The History Channel calls "That dumbass who keeps quoting us in his articles!" welcomes you to the IXth (that's "ninth" to those of you who don't understand Super Bowl numerals) installment of his award-winning American History series-the series The History Channel calls "Stop quoting us!"

I'll tell you, praise like that doesn't go to just your average guy who likes to pretend he's written an award-winning American History series. But as you've figured out by now, I'm not your average guy. After all, I'm the man The History Channel is threatening with a lawsuit.

Because I know so damn much about our great history, people turn to me for information on everything from Columbus discovering Ohio to the raising of the American flag on Yoko Ono. That's why I've put together this award winning series-to educate Americans on even the most obscure parts of our history. For instance, did you know we once had a war in Grenada? Well, not really a "war"-scarcely 100 people died, which is an average summer night in the city of Chicago-but it was an invasion! We're good at invading other countries, so obviously the invasion of Grenada-although brief-is an important part of our history. Kind of like the Macarena dance craze, except with weapons.

So now, please read along with me as together we learn all about some country we supposedly invaded back in the '80s. Really-I don't remember it at all.

Little Known Fact #1

It says here, Ronald Reagan was president when we invaded Grenada in 1983. Wasn't he an actor? "Bonzo Goes to College," right? And we let him be president? Where was I? Of course, the '80s are a blur to me anyway. I remember snorting coke at a disco in the late '70s, and my next real memories are of sitting here surrounded by empty beer cans writing this masterpiece-something I'm sure to forget by the time I sober up. Entire decades wiped from my memory bank. This assignment is going to be a way bigger challenge than I originally thought.

Little Known Fact #2

Geographical fact: Grenada is an island located somewhere in the Caribbean, which is located somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, which is located somewhere on planet Earth, which is located somewhere in the solar system. I'd like to be more specific, but while I'm a brilliant historian, I don't know crap about geography.

Little Known Fact #3

The name given by the military to the invasion of Grenada was "Operation Urgent Fury" because calling it "Invasion of Grenada" sounded too much like we were invading Grenada, which of course we weren't really doing. We were urgently furying.

Little Known Fact #4

The entire Grenada operation, which ran from October 25 to December 15, 1983, was carried out during one of President Reagan's longer naps. Upon awakening, the president told his wife Nancy "sometime when the team is up against it and the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to go out there with all they've got and win just one for the Gipper." Then the first lady changed the president's diaper, gave him a sponge bath, and he fell back to sleep.

Special Classroom Exercise – Fun with Letters:

If you remove the letter "d" from "Grenada," then rearrange the remaining letters, you end up with the word "Reagan." Then if you remove an "a" and rearrange the letters, you get "Range." Now remove the "e" from "Range" to end up with the word "Rang." Finally, replace the "n" and the "g" with an "i" and a "q" and rearrange the letters. What do you get? "Iraq!" Spooky shit, huh?

Extra Credit: Using the exercise above as an example, rearrange the letters from the word "invasion" to create the words "Urgent Fury!"

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